Our Stories
Here I am, Lord!
By Debbie Hancock | posted 03/01/2007
“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ” (Colossians 3:12-16)
When I moved back home in late 1999, at the request of my dying father, it was something I didn't think I could ever do it. I couldn't imagine how I would ever go back to the place I grew up as a kid. The place I was sexually abused. By my father.
Even though I couldn't wrap my head around it I decided to come home. God orchestrated a move from Pleasant Hill, Missouri to Salem, Oregon in 24 hours. I had a new job and a truck loaded and ready to go, in 72 hours. Salem was close enough to visit regularly. I didn't move back here, to my father's house in Bellevue, until God had shown me, in His word, about forgiveness.
I had no expectation for the work God would do, and is doing, in my heart. I had been told by a couple counselors that I didn't need to forgive and probably wouldn't ever forgive. But as I dug into God's Word I found forgiveness and freedom. I found that my unforgiveness had kept me bound to the things that happened to me. And bound to a skewed perception of love and intimacy. Jesus, the one I want to live like, said, “Forgive, as you have been forgiven.” So I did. In doing that God gave me love in my heart for my dad … and compassion and mercy.
When the time was right, God, and my job, moved me again. Back home. I helped my mom care for my dad in the last few weeks of his life. I loved my dad when he died. Even now I wish I had forgiven him sooner so I could have loved him longer. Jesus did that. He made it possible for me to do what seemed absolutely impossible to me. And I am so grateful and thankful.
God put it on my heart some weeks ago....maybe even months ago, that I needed to share my story with my brother Jeff. I had shared with my two brothers, who have kids, about what had happened to me when I was little. But not with Jeff. I knew it would hurt him. I tried everything to get out of doing it. I made excuses. I came up with fantastic “reasons”. The best thing I did was to share what God had put on my heart with friends who love me and pray for me.
The idea of telling my story to Jeff was as overwhelming to me as the idea of moving back home. But seeing what God did in that situation, I knew this was another opportunity to get out of the way and let God work in Jeff's life and my life.
I took my brother to dinner a few weeks ago and told him my story. I saw it hit him. He flinched. There were tears and questions but ultimately the conversation opened our relationship to the Truth. The Truth of God's forgiveness and amazing love.
There is a whole lot more to my story. And I have found that God uses everything...all the good the bad and the ugly. I am humbled by His presence in my life … and His LOVE for me. I don't deserve it. I am grateful and thankful.
Forgiveness has been the catalyst for restoration, healing, deliverance and wholeness in my life. Unforgiveness kept me bound to a skewed perception of love and intimacy. Because of my skewed perception of love, which was a bi-product of the sexual abuse I experienced, I made a lot of really bad choices.
For years I tried to fill the longing in my heart with skewed love and intimacy. All I ever felt was more emptiness. I remember crying out to God in that empty place. After I would get “high” I would cry out to him. After every bad relationship, I would cry out to him. There were lots of tears. I tried lots of things, beside sex and drugs, to fill the void. Self help. I read lots of books. I researched addictions. (There are lots of addictions I can identify with.) That opened up whole new possibilities. The tattoos and body piercing are my reminders of that time.
You know what really changed my ability to see another way? It was when in desperation I cried “Here I am, Lord!” right in the middle of doing the things I was doing to fill the emptiness. Not after, DURING. I invited Jesus into the ugly, shameful parts of my life. I tell you Jesus put the damper on many an “experience”. He helped me see the root of my emptiness. He showed me the longing I had in my heart was for intimacy with Him. At first that was really, let’s say “icky” to me. Still skewed, my understanding of intimacy was way off. But God is faithful. He finishes what He starts. He continues to help me see more clearly what true love and intimacy are.
There is a song we sing in worship. It’s the Casting Crowns song about intimacy: “Your Love Is Extravagant”. I love that song! God wants to be intimate with us. Pure and Holy. Raw, without pretense. Faithful and merciful. I want to love like that.
I have learned a lot about Love. I have a lot to learn. I do know that I Love God and others and myself. My life is full of hope.
I continue to say, “Here I am, Lord!” I want Him in every part of my life always.
Debbie Hancock
To respond to this message, email Debbie at djh_is@yahoo.com.
Seeking truth, relationship and purpose in the way of Jesus
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“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ” (Colossians 3:12-16) When I moved back home in late 1999, at the request of my dying father, it was something I didn't think I could ever do it. I couldn't imagine how I would ever go back to the place I grew up as a kid. The place I was sexually abused. By my father. Even though I couldn't wrap my head around it I decided to come home. God orchestrated a move from Pleasant Hill, Missouri to Salem, Oregon in 24 hours. I had a new job and a truck loaded and ready to go, in 72 hours. Salem was close enough to visit regularly. I didn't move back here, to my father's house in Bellevue, until God had shown me, in His word, about forgiveness. I had no expectation for the work God would do, and is doing, in my heart. I had been told by a couple counselors that I didn't need to forgive and probably wouldn't ever forgive. But as I dug into God's Word I found forgiveness and freedom. I found that my unforgiveness had kept me bound to the things that happened to me. And bound to a skewed perception of love and intimacy. Jesus, the one I want to live like, said, “Forgive, as you have been forgiven.” So I did. In doing that God gave me love in my heart for my dad … and compassion and mercy. When the time was right, God, and my job, moved me again. Back home. I helped my mom care for my dad in the last few weeks of his life. I loved my dad when he died. Even now I wish I had forgiven him sooner so I could have loved him longer. Jesus did that. He made it possible for me to do what seemed absolutely impossible to me. And I am so grateful and thankful. God put it on my heart some weeks ago....maybe even months ago, that I needed to share my story with my brother Jeff. I had shared with my two brothers, who have kids, about what had happened to me when I was little. But not with Jeff. I knew it would hurt him. I tried everything to get out of doing it. I made excuses. I came up with fantastic “reasons”. The best thing I did was to share what God had put on my heart with friends who love me and pray for me. The idea of telling my story to Jeff was as overwhelming to me as the idea of moving back home. But seeing what God did in that situation, I knew this was another opportunity to get out of the way and let God work in Jeff's life and my life. I took my brother to dinner a few weeks ago and told him my story. I saw it hit him. He flinched. There were tears and questions but ultimately the conversation opened our relationship to the Truth. The Truth of God's forgiveness and amazing love. There is a whole lot more to my story. And I have found that God uses everything...all the good the bad and the ugly. I am humbled by His presence in my life … and His LOVE for me. I don't deserve it. I am grateful and thankful. Forgiveness has been the catalyst for restoration, healing, deliverance and wholeness in my life. Unforgiveness kept me bound to a skewed perception of love and intimacy. Because of my skewed perception of love, which was a bi-product of the sexual abuse I experienced, I made a lot of really bad choices. For years I tried to fill the longing in my heart with skewed love and intimacy. All I ever felt was more emptiness. I remember crying out to God in that empty place. After I would get “high” I would cry out to him. After every bad relationship, I would cry out to him. There were lots of tears. I tried lots of things, beside sex and drugs, to fill the void. Self help. I read lots of books. I researched addictions. (There are lots of addictions I can identify with.) That opened up whole new possibilities. The tattoos and body piercing are my reminders of that time. You know what really changed my ability to see another way? It was when in desperation I cried “Here I am, Lord!” right in the middle of doing the things I was doing to fill the emptiness. Not after, DURING. I invited Jesus into the ugly, shameful parts of my life. I tell you Jesus put the damper on many an “experience”. He helped me see the root of my emptiness. He showed me the longing I had in my heart was for intimacy with Him. At first that was really, let’s say “icky” to me. Still skewed, my understanding of intimacy was way off. But God is faithful. He finishes what He starts. He continues to help me see more clearly what true love and intimacy are. There is a song we sing in worship. It’s the Casting Crowns song about intimacy: “Your Love Is Extravagant”. I love that song! God wants to be intimate with us. Pure and Holy. Raw, without pretense. Faithful and merciful. I want to love like that. I have learned a lot about Love. I have a lot to learn. I do know that I Love God and others and myself. My life is full of hope. I continue to say, “Here I am, Lord!” I want Him in every part of my life always.
Debbie Hancock To respond to this message, email Debbie at djh_is@yahoo.com. |
