HOME VISION ABOUT US LOCATION CONTACT US

Love, Chronic Pain, and Toothpaste

By Leah Smith | posted 06/21/2007

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 3:34-35 NIV)

I have fibromyalgia. This is a fancy-schmancy medical-ese way of saying that on any given day, I hurt all over. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but every day I'm in some sort of pain. It is mainly concentrated around my hips, but spreads throughout my entire body and is frequently accompanied by overwhelming fatigue. One current theory is that although FM is not necessarily caused by a traumatic injury or motor vehicle accident, such events can bring out FM. I was in a serious car accident in 1991. The lap belt saved my life, but did lifelong tissue damage and since then I have been in pain every day.

I am in the midst of deep processing about how much this chronic pain affects my life. For years, I would just push on through and catch up on the weekends by sleeping constantly. I convinced myself I had no life because I was a teacher, and teachers' work never ends (poor me). I told myself I was overwhelmed because starting up a new church was Hard Work, and I had to do so much to make myself feel valuable. I would snap at my husband, screaming under the weight of everything I had to do.

The reality was that I was pushing my body to the limit and beyond each and every day. Instead of feeling these limitations, embracing them, and learning from them, I continued to destroy my body and relationships by living in denial and lashing out at myself and those closest to me. I was screaming under the weight of trying to appear perfect and therefore prove there was nothing wrong with me (or with my faith).

Somehow I bought into the idea that I had to appear to have it all together in order to show (prove?) my faith. I thought the only way I had value to anyone was to be perfect. But Jesus doesn't say "You'll show everyone how great I am by how great and put-together YOU are." He says, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 3:34-35)

Keith Ferrin sent me a link to a webpage of great quotes from the late Mike Yaconelli. Two of the quotes have particularly resonated with me as I have been wrestling with the realities of my pain issues:

"We're attempting to convince the world how good Jesus is by how great we are. This is precisely how Madison Avenue sells toothpaste, automobiles, and underwear. People don't need any more images of success, wealth, and power; they're surrounded already. What they need are their sins forgiven. What they need is healing. What they need is love."

And "I am beginning to understand that faith is not the way around pain, it is the way through pain. Faith doesn't get rid of the opposition, it invites it over for dinner. Faith doesn't give you the winning point at the last second, it ties the game and sends you into overtime. Faith doesn't give you the solution, it forces you to find it."

I have spent my life trying to be Superwoman and then Supermom and sometimes SuperChristian. Why? Because I bought into the lie that if I'm a Christian, things should always be going right. I'm not sure where we got that idea. Certainly not from the book of 1 Peter ("Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12)

I think this has also been a big factor in processing my pain issues. If I'm a Christian, I shouldn't be in pain, right? This has been said to me as directly as "Your pain is a result of some unrepented sin in your life" and as subtly as "If you had faith, you would be healed" (implying that "healing prayer" hadn't worked because of some deficiency in me.) These statements roll around in my head, wearing their familiar grooves along my long-traveled pathways of thought.

I believe God can do miracles - I believe He can heal.
He has not healed my physical body.
How can both statements be true? I don't know - I may spend a lifetime "finding the solution" to this dilemma. Jesus has healed and changed many painful things in my life. I have seen and felt Him at work in me, softening my rough edges, gently showing me things I need to change, and redeeming my heart - making me believe - slowly, slowly - that He loves me so fully. The more I feel the love, the more entranced I am by Him. I have come to believe that I may actually be lovable after all. Perhaps I could never come to know this if I were able to be "Superwoman" and sell Jesus like He were toothpaste. Only by being broken could I know how powerful the Healer is.

Life is a struggle. My life may be messier than most, but honestly, I doubt it. We each have our own basket of expectations, disappointments, struggles, and challenges. I have pain, frustrations, difficult babies, and financial realities. Following Jesus doesn't make all these things go away. Instead, I am learning how to forge forward, slogging through the muck of my life, holding firmly to Grace. This is Real. This is where I meet Jesus and where I find love and purpose and hope in the journey.

They will know we are Christians by our Love, not our so-called Got-It-Together-ness. The world sees through our façade. People want to see God's love. That's what each one of us needs most of all.

To respond to this message, email Leah at leah@sphericalcow.net.