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Afflictions of the Hyper-Churched
How to Spot and Stop and Them

By Mark Lanum | posted 08/16/2007

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus." (Romans 15:5)

If you've attended church (Creekside or other) for any period of time, you've undoubtedly noticed some of the rather unsavory afflictions that the church-going type pick up over time. Like me, you may have even picked up a few of these yourself. In an effort to promote healthy church participation, I would like to highlight three common "afflictions" that plague those who have attended church a sufficient number of times to acquire them. Here's how to both spot and stop them (especially if you find you find yourself afflicted).

Row Rage
How to Spot It: People who incite Row Rage are those who enter a row of seats in the worship area only to sit in the first seat, thereby "blocking" the rest of the row for others. Since no one likes to shimmy their backsides (or frontsides for that matter) in front another person's face, the chairs in the middle of the row are now essentially unavailable without a trip around the whole section of chairs to the other end of the row. Put two of these folks together - one at each end of the row - and you can create a virtual empty row; and a bunch of fellow church goers who should be worshipping God, but instead are suffering from Row Rage.
How to Stop It: Duh! Move in to the middle seat so someone can sit by you.

Tardiness Addiction
How to Spot It: A tardiness addict (such as myself) is one who arrives at a church event 10-15 minutes after the stated start time. The roots of this crime are many, but the most common source is "time translation." Time translation is the process by which a church-goer reads the start time in the program, and (due to a fault in the brain's neuro-linguistic translators) instead they read a time that is actually 10-15 minutes later. For example, the program says worship begins at 9:30. When the Tardiness Addict sees this, they read "9:40." As a result, they show up late and have to squeeze into the empty seats that the Row Blockers have left open. It's no wonder that Tardiness Addicts are notoriously plagued by Row Rage.
How to Stop It: Worship begins at 9:20.

Church-ese
How to Spot It: Once thought to be an issue only plaguing those who use words such as "transubstantiation," "regeneration" and "sanctification," this affliction is now more common and widespread amongst those with lengthy stays in church and Bible Study circles. However, its symptoms have expanded beyond simply using big, outdated words. Its symptoms now include pat phrases such as "Hold on to Jesus," "I'll pray for you," and "love is the answer." Folks plagued by church-ese find themselves understood only by others with the same condition. Others who aren't able to answer life's questions with such platitudes as "Let go and let God," or "one day you'll understand why you're suffering" are left wondering what is wrong with them, when, in fact, the problem is with the church-ese sufferer.
How to Stop It: Ask questions and listen. Don't make small talk. Small talk leads to thoughtless church-ese (e.g. "OK, have a good afternoon - I'll pray for you."). When someone offers to pray for you, ask them to do it right then.

In a future edition of Afflictions of the Hyper-Churched, we'll explore these (and other) conditions: Worship Preparation Failure, Volunteer Addiction and Avoidance, and WDHD (Worship Distraction and Hyperactivity Disorder aka "the Bouncing Knee Syndrome").

To respond to this message, email Mark at marklanum@gmail.com.

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus." (Romans 15:5)

If you've attended church (Creekside or other) for any period of time, you've undoubtedly noticed some of the rather unsavory afflictions that the church-going type pick up over time. Like me, you may have even picked up a few of these yourself. In an effort to promote healthy church participation, I would like to highlight three common "afflictions" that plague those who have attended church a sufficient number of times to acquire them. Here's how to both spot and stop them (especially if you find you find yourself afflicted).

Row Rage
How to Spot It: People who incite Row Rage are those who enter a row of seats in the worship area only to sit in the first seat, thereby "blocking" the rest of the row for others. Since no one likes to shimmy their backsides (or frontsides for that matter) in front another person's face, the chairs in the middle of the row are now essentially unavailable without a trip around the whole section of chairs to the other end of the row. Put two of these folks together - one at each end of the row - and you can create a virtual empty row; and a bunch of fellow church goers who should be worshipping God, but instead are suffering from Row Rage.
How to Stop It: Duh! Move in to the middle seat so someone can sit by you.

Tardiness Addiction
How to Spot It: A tardiness addict (such as myself) is one who arrives at a church event 10-15 minutes after the stated start time. The roots of this crime are many, but the most common source is "time translation." Time translation is the process by which a church-goer reads the start time in the program, and (due to a fault in the brain's neuro-linguistic translators) instead they read a time that is actually 10-15 minutes later. For example, the program says worship begins at 9:30. When the Tardiness Addict sees this, they read "9:40." As a result, they show up late and have to squeeze into the empty seats that the Row Blockers have left open. It's no wonder that Tardiness Addicts are notoriously plagued by Row Rage.
How to Stop It: Worship begins at 9:20.

Church-ese
How to Spot It: Once thought to be an issue only plaguing those who use words such as "transubstantiation," "regeneration" and "sanctification," this affliction is now more common and widespread amongst those with lengthy stays in church and Bible Study circles. However, its symptoms have expanded beyond simply using big, outdated words. Its symptoms now include pat phrases such as "Hold on to Jesus," "I'll pray for you," and "love is the answer." Folks plagued by church-ese find themselves understood only by others with the same condition. Others who aren't able to answer life's questions with such platitudes as "Let go and let God," or "one day you'll understand why you're suffering" are left wondering what is wrong with them, when, in fact, the problem is with the church-ese sufferer.
How to Stop It: Ask questions and listen. Don't make small talk. Small talk leads to thoughtless church-ese (e.g. "OK, have a good afternoon - I'll pray for you."). When someone offers to pray for you, ask them to do it right then.

In a future edition of Afflictions of the Hyper-Churched, we'll explore these (and other) conditions: Worship Preparation Failure, Volunteer Addiction and Avoidance, and WDHD (Worship Distraction and Hyperactivity Disorder aka "the Bouncing Knee Syndrome").

To respond to this message, email Mark at marklanum@gmail.com.