Our Stories
How To Get Along When You Can't Choose Your Family
By Abigail Short | posted 08/30/2007
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2 NIV)
Lately I've been spending most of my free time (and much of the rest of it) with a particular gentleman of my acquaintance. As always at the beginning of a romance, getting to know him has been a joy and an adventure. It's impressive how quickly it happens when you're so intentional about the process (we joke that we're the best time-wasters we know). I could never learn all there is to know about him, but the more I discover, the more I like him and the more about him I want to know.
Once in a while, I stop and contemplate God's amazing creativity. Trying to wrap my mind around the whole of another person, all his history and experiences, all his wishes and fears, all his charms and quirks, is nearly overwhelming. I wonder how anyone could know all that, or even a fraction of all that, about him and not grow to love him.
Most relationships are far more ho-hum, of course. You meet people through work or church or social activities and gradually get to know them in the context of your daily lives. Some people you take a shine to and seek out. Others may rub you the wrong way or just leave you ambivalent. And then there are those who genuinely frustrate you and whose presence you cannot avoid.
You've probably heard the saying, "You can't choose your family." I'm sure anyone with a difficult relative can - haha - relate. But I had never thought about applying that to my Christian family until I read A Purpose-Driven Life, by Rick Warren. Whichever Christians you find yourself around are your family, whether you like them or not - and frankly, there are likely to be some whom you don't much like. As Christians, we're supposed to love them anyway, but I have heard very little advice on how exactly one might go about doing so.
Paul's advice to the Ephesians is a good start. "Be completely humble and gentle." Recognize that someone else out there is probably annoyed by you, just as you're annoyed with this other person. Also recognize that perhaps the ones who irritate you don't realize what they're doing, and even if their behavior is honestly offensive, a gentle correction might steer them in the right direction. Paul also calls for patience, which you could will yourself to have. But loving them? How?
I propose that a little bit of intentional time-wasting would go a long way in this situation. While romance is certainly a special case, I think that familiarity almost always breeds genuine affection at some level. As we learn about people, we find similarities between them and ourselves. We develop true sympathy - sharing their feelings - which becomes empathy - imagining ourselves in their shoes. Once we see that they are not so different from us, we'll find them much harder to dislike, and once we start to like them, their foibles become far less important. Their behavior may not change at all, but we're better able to ignore whatever it is that was bothering us.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone you meet has to become your best friend. Besides being impractical, it's not necessary. Nor am I trying to suggest that you can solve relational conflicts all yourself; we need the power of Christ within us to give us grace and mercy towards others. But if you find yourself developing negative feelings toward someone, anything that hinders your ability to love him or her, then perhaps some old-fashioned family togetherness wouldn't be such a bad idea.
Abigail can be reached at abigail@daughteroflight.com.
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"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2 NIV)
Lately I've been spending most of my free time (and much of the rest of it) with a particular gentleman of my acquaintance. As always at the beginning of a romance, getting to know him has been a joy and an adventure. It's impressive how quickly it happens when you're so intentional about the process (we joke that we're the best time-wasters we know). I could never learn all there is to know about him, but the more I discover, the more I like him and the more about him I want to know. Once in a while, I stop and contemplate God's amazing creativity. Trying to wrap my mind around the whole of another person, all his history and experiences, all his wishes and fears, all his charms and quirks, is nearly overwhelming. I wonder how anyone could know all that, or even a fraction of all that, about him and not grow to love him. Most relationships are far more ho-hum, of course. You meet people through work or church or social activities and gradually get to know them in the context of your daily lives. Some people you take a shine to and seek out. Others may rub you the wrong way or just leave you ambivalent. And then there are those who genuinely frustrate you and whose presence you cannot avoid. You've probably heard the saying, "You can't choose your family." I'm sure anyone with a difficult relative can - haha - relate. But I had never thought about applying that to my Christian family until I read A Purpose-Driven Life, by Rick Warren. Whichever Christians you find yourself around are your family, whether you like them or not - and frankly, there are likely to be some whom you don't much like. As Christians, we're supposed to love them anyway, but I have heard very little advice on how exactly one might go about doing so. Paul's advice to the Ephesians is a good start. "Be completely humble and gentle." Recognize that someone else out there is probably annoyed by you, just as you're annoyed with this other person. Also recognize that perhaps the ones who irritate you don't realize what they're doing, and even if their behavior is honestly offensive, a gentle correction might steer them in the right direction. Paul also calls for patience, which you could will yourself to have. But loving them? How? I propose that a little bit of intentional time-wasting would go a long way in this situation. While romance is certainly a special case, I think that familiarity almost always breeds genuine affection at some level. As we learn about people, we find similarities between them and ourselves. We develop true sympathy - sharing their feelings - which becomes empathy - imagining ourselves in their shoes. Once we see that they are not so different from us, we'll find them much harder to dislike, and once we start to like them, their foibles become far less important. Their behavior may not change at all, but we're better able to ignore whatever it is that was bothering us. Now, I'm not saying that everyone you meet has to become your best friend. Besides being impractical, it's not necessary. Nor am I trying to suggest that you can solve relational conflicts all yourself; we need the power of Christ within us to give us grace and mercy towards others. But if you find yourself developing negative feelings toward someone, anything that hinders your ability to love him or her, then perhaps some old-fashioned family togetherness wouldn't be such a bad idea. Abigail can be reached at abigail@daughteroflight.com. |
