Our Stories
If I Had One Chance to Speak to Your Heart
By Abigail Welborn | posted 12/18/2008
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another." (Colossians 3:13 NIV)
Anyone who's ever been married will, I'm sure, tell you the same thing: No matter how much you know about a person before the wedding, you always find out more stuff afterward. Don't get me wrong - we had a fantastic time on our honeymoon! I'm just saying that before we got married, I didn't know that he insisted upon drawers being kept closed (I'm just going to open it again in a minute!), or that not everyone sorts their dirty clothes before putting them away (why sort later when you can sort now?).
Most of these incidents were extremely small and we handled them with grace and humor, but I must admit that a few times, I let my emotions get the better of me. When my husband (that's so fun to write!) asks me to do something, it's hard for me not to also hear, "because the way you're doing it now is wrong," when in fact he might have meant no such thing. Then my feelings get hurt and I start to close off, pout, or refuse to try anymore. All over something he didn't even say!
In any relationship, be it a friendship, marriage, family or church, a disagreement can arise silently and stealthily. What started as a simple misunderstanding can quickly become outright fighting. Given my recent experience, I thought I'd share some tips I've learned (and tried to put into practice) about dealing with conflict. This list is by no means exhaustive (I had to cut myself off so that this article would be short enough to publish!), but it's a good starting point.
1. Beware of "plank-eye." Jesus said, "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:4 NIV). Every relationship has two people. That means that whatever you're in conflict about is not just the other person's fault. I'm not saying it's always even (and I'm definitely not saying you should try to figure out blame percentages) - I'm just saying that we must always be on guard against a self-righteous attitude. Starting a conversation with the assumption that you're right and I'm wrong is bound to go poorly.
2. Remember that you're human. Therefore, it's not your job to change the other person's heart. In Philippians 2:13, Paul writes that "it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (NIV). Especially when emotions are high, it may disappoint you (as it sometimes does me) to realize that this also means it's not your job to point out to the other person that she can't change your heart (see #1).
3. Don't argue over what was said. I can point you to multiple studies that show that human memory is pretty unreliable about details. I also think that most of us have had the experience of thinking we said one thing, only to hear ourselves say something completely different. These two facts together mean that trying to figure out what was actually said is basically futile and certainly moot. The best you can do is say, "I heard..." and listen for, "What I meant to say was..."
4. Acknowledge that the other person has a point. No, I don't know your situation, but yes, I'm telling you that he has a point. He isn't necessarily right, and your points may still be valid, but you need to acknowledge his feelings and make sure you understand his point of view. In so doing, you might even find that it's not so different from your own.
5. Check your motives. What is your goal in the conflict? To get something? To prove that you're right? To prove to everyone else that you're right? I'm competitive by nature, and sometimes I'll find myself deep in an argument before I realize that I don't actually care about the subject; I was just trying to win. Is winning worth the strain that you might be placing on the relationship? Ask yourself whether your actions are in line with Peter's admonition to the early believers: "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble" (1 Peter 3:8 NIV).
6. Love one another. Remember, we're on the same team! Of course we aren't perfect, but God loves us anyway - a lesson that Jesus told us to apply. "As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:34-35 NIV).
Here is the rest of this article's title, a lyric from Rebecca St. James:
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart:
You are loved
More than you could ever know!
Abigail can be reached via email here.
